The Biggest Affliction Facing Humanity
“There’s something literally deadly about social isolation, the kind of individualism that typifies our modern society.”
My friend Teju Ravilochan runs a really cool organization called Gather For. He organizes neighbors into support groups so that everyone has access to the things that they need, like groceries and childcare. On one hand, it’s absolutely beautiful that Gather For exists. It’s incredible work that is helping people thrive. On the other hand, it’s alarming that we have to have nonprofit intervention just so that we connect with our neighbors.
Years ago, Teju taught me something that is now seared into my personal ethos. It’s a mantra that I live by. He says, “In community, we have everything that we need.” The truth itself is simple, but getting there is a massive unlearning. Our society, as Sebastian Junger points out, leads us to believe that we have to do it on our own. That becoming self-actualized is the goal — the most important pursuit.
Well, I don’t believe that anymore. And I actually think it’s damaging. Not only for ourselves, but for humanity.
We are failing to overcome the most dangerous affliction to ever face humanity. It's one that leaves too many of us in the dark, struggling to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. It asks all of those being left behind to keep up the unrealistic pace. It's an affliction that has somehow become the default.
What is it? Disonnection.
Imagine a world that felt like home for everyone. What if we talked to each other like we were all friends. Across the aisle. Across the multiple lines of difference. What if we took a closer look at the deepest chasms that separated the haves and the have-nots, the queers from the straights, the whites from the POCs, the abled from the disabled, the gendered from the genderless? And what if our goal wasn't to show what was "right," but to more intimately understand each other so that we all felt seen?
Here are 5 steps you can take right now to connect with yourself and those around you.
Hold space before reacting
Pause. Breathe. Ask what’s really going on inside you.
I’m one of those people that if I think it, I say it. On the one hand, I’m really glad that I’ve stuck up for myself and others that can’t stick up for themselves. But I also realize that I’m only in control of one thing: my reaction to this moment. I can’t control the future or the past. Only right now.
Instead of responding with defensiveness or judgement, I try pausing. I take a deep breath, and I ask myself: “What is this really about?”
When I slow down, I give empathy a chance to speak before my ego takes the mic.
Extend real questions
Go beyond “how are you?” Ask what matters. Wait for truth.
Growing up, I was always told that I could make friends with a brick wall. But a life full of brick walls is not very fun.
The thing is, it’s not always easy to engage in a way that truly matters. Think about it. What’s the first thing we say when we see a friend or meet a stranger? “How are you?”, right? Well, I believe that question is out of date. Expired. No longer useful. Why? Because we’ve been conditioned to respond with “I’m fine.” That’s it — a polite social exchange. But what if we went deeper?
I ask, “How are you feeling?” and “What do you need?” I engage, then I hold space. This allows me and whoever I’m speaking with to arrive at our shared answer.
But it does get easier. Not only easier, but more fulfilling. More real.
And that, honey, is where truth is born.
Admit something honest
Share a truth, however small. Vulnerability builds bridges.
Growing up, Uncle Tommy, my dad’s older brother, always said, “I’m fair to middlin’.” Classic Alabama. But that doesn’t really tell me much, you know?
Connection requires vulnerability. You don’t have to share your deepest trauma — just something real. “I’m feeling lonely today.” “I’m scared I’m not doing enough.” “I’m really proud of myself.” That honesty opens the door for others to walk through with their own truth.
I recently shared with my friend, Nico, that I don’t feel like my platform is big enough to make a real difference. He not only encouraged me, but he gave me access to his platform to share one of my talks. That is bridge building.
I often share these feelings with my husband too, and every single time, he responds with love and sincerity. A few days ago, Luis (that’s my husband) said, “I believe in you. Don’t be afraid to try and fail. Just keep going.” That is so much better than, “Oh, I’m fine!”
So here I am, trying to be honest and vulnerable.
Tell me how you’re feeling and what you need. I want to hear your truth.
PS: My platform, no matter how small, is yours too.
Reach across Lines of difference
Seek connection. Learn. Listen. Unlearn.
It’s not always easy to find people outside of our echo chambers. But I can always find a book by someone whose identity or experience is different from mine. Thanks to social media, I can follow voices that challenge me (with love), expose me to different ways of thinking, and show me different truths.
Connection doesn’t mean sameness — it means respect across lines of difference.
When I came out, more than 20 years ago, I felt like I lost everything. My family, my community, my home. What I couldn’t see then is that I found myself — and that was just the beginning. Since then, I’ve been able to start from something real and reconnect with almost everything I though I had lost. I now have a relationship with my family. I have found an aligned community. And, I’ve learned that home is not a place, but something I carry with me no matter where I go.
I’m no longer interested in being right. I think that’s a futile pursuit. What’s “right” for me isn’t what’s “right” for everyone. Instead, I’m now most interested in understanding. I want to hear you, see you, and learn how to love you in the way you want to be loved.
That’s the most important lesson I think I’ve learned — and it’s what has allowed me to connect to people — and I mean really connect — no matter who they are.
Trust your worth
You belong. Even in chaos. Especially in chaos.
Okay. Maybe this is the most important lesson. Ha! This is the foundation. Without connection to yourself, the rest won’t stick. Treat yourself like someone you’re trying to build trust with. Offer grace. Set boundaries. Let joy in, even when it feels undeserved.
I remember the first time I wore women’s clothing. Something unlocked. I realized that I’m more than my labels. I deserve more than a life that tries to conform to the world’s harsh demands. If I can truly ask myself what I’m feeling and what I need — if I can understand myself — only then can I do that with others.
I’m queer trans nonbinary. I’ve been told over and over again that I’m not worthy, I’m not valid, and that I don’t belong. But when I looked inside myself, I found my worth. Nobody had to give it to me. It was there waiting on me to discover it.
Now, I get to live a life where I shine not because I fit in, but because I stand out. I’m the only me that there has ever been.
Recognizing that has attracted the people to me that truly align with who I am and what I value. In a chaotic world, the best gift we can give ourselves and others is to be true to who we are.
It’s the only way we can connect.
I didn’t do this on purpose, but when I realized that I could make an anagram, I was so excited. The first letter of each of these tips spells heart. And I couldn’t love that more!
Let’s go connect. Let’s meet the challenges of the world with heart. That’s the only way I believe we can make the world feel more like home for everyone.